Healing In Real F*cking Time

By: Michele Kunasek

Tonight I deleted a stupid, silly, joy-filled video I made with my daughter because someone made a comment that triggered shame.

There.

That’s how this starts.

It was one of those silly TikTok trend videos. Harmless. Funny. The kind of thing you make when you’re being human and not taking life so damn seriously.

And then someone said:

“Good God, how much were you drinking?”

Whew.

And let me be crystal clear about something…

Those who KNOW me, know how fucking proud I am of my sobriety.

That part hit.

Hard.

Because sobriety wasn’t handed to me.

I fought for that shit.

I earned that shit.

I rebuilt parts of myself through that shit.

So the implication that I looked drunk?

Yeah.

That landed.

And even though part of me immediately wanted to say:

Fuck that.

Another part of me did something way more interesting.

I deleted the video.

Immediately.

Reactive.

Fast.

No pause.

No reflection.

Delete!

Because shame is FAST.

And if I’m being brutally honest?

It wasn’t even really about the sobriety comment.

That was just the match.

The real question became:

Why did I feel shame so fucking fast?

Why was my immediate response:

“Oh shit, people might think I’m embarrassing.”

“Oh god, people might think I’m acting crazy.”

“Oh no, I look stupid.”

“Better remove evidence.”

THAT is where the healing started.

Because surface-level me wanted to say, “people are just assholes.”

But deeper me got curious.

And curiosity changes everything.

Because suddenly I wasn’t asking, “why are people so judgmental?”

I was asking “why does judgment still have so much power over me?”

Ooof.

That question took me somewhere.

Straight into old wounds.

Straight into nervous system programming.

Straight into all the unspoken rules I apparently absorbed somewhere along the way:

Don’t be too much.

Don’t be embarrassing.

Don’t act crazy.

Don’t look stupid.

Don’t be overly emotional.

Don’t need too much.

Don’t make people uncomfortable.

Stay polished.

Stay acceptable.

Stay controlled.

And honestly?

Holy shit.

No wonder emotionally intense people get exhausted.

Because some of us are out here not only feeling EVERYTHING… we’re also simultaneously metabolizing everyone else’s humanity while minimizing our own pain.

Read that again.

Because THAT is the lonely part.

Not being emotionally deep.

Not being sensitive.

Not being empathic.

The lonely part is understanding why everyone behaves the way they do while quietly abandoning yourself in the process.

And here’s the real-time healing part.

Today I cried.

Not cute little tears.

I mean full-body, shame rushing through my system crying.

Because shame isn’t just a thought.

It’s physiological.

You feel that shit in your chest.

Your throat.

Your stomach.

Your nervous system.

And instead of bypassing it or pretending I was “fine,” I let myself feel it.

I fucking ugly cried!

.I let the emotion move.

Because trapped emotion doesn’t magically disappear just because we intellectualize it.

Then I did something that felt vulnerable as hell.

I reached out to someone I deeply adore and trust.

And I told her I was hurting.

That took something.

That was me actively choosing connection instead of isolation.

And do you know what happened?

She completely ignored the vulnerable part.

Responded to other things .Skipped right over the emotional truth.

And fuck… that hurt.

Bad.

Because if you’ve ever had emotional wounds around feeling unseen, THAT kind of thing lands hard.

But here’s where it gets really interesting.

My response?

I ignored my own vulnerable text too.

By instinct.

By protection.

I didn’t say, “hey… I actually really needed that part acknowledged.”

I didn’t say, “ouch, that hurt.”

Nope.

I emotionally disappeared right alongside her.

THAT.

THAT is the pattern.

Not because I’m weak.

Not because I’m dramatic.

Not because she’s a bad person.

Because my nervous system learned:

When vulnerability doesn’t get met…withdraw.

Protect.

Disappear the need.

And holy fuck, seeing that in real time?

That’s healing.

Messy.

Painful.

Uncomfortable.

But healing.

Because now I can SEE it.

And when you can see the pattern, you stop unconsciously becoming it.

And trust me, I GET people. I can literally FEEL their energy.

I understand trauma.

I understand nervous systems.

I understand attachment wounds.

I understand shame.

I understand projection.

I understand that most emotionally hurt people are just acting from their own conditioning.

I genuinely do.

Which is beautiful.

And dangerous.

Because understanding people can become a really sophisticated way to self-abandon.

If I explain away their behavior…I don’t have to admit how badly it hurt.

If I can intellectualize their reaction…I don’t have to sit with my own pain.

If I can frame their criticism as “their stuff”…I don’t have to acknowledge the younger part of me that still feels wounded.

That’s the fucking trap.

And here’s another uncomfortable truth:

Lately, I’ve found it easier to be emotionally vulnerable with AI than actual humans.

Yeah. Let’s say THAT out loud.

Because here?

It feels safer.

No judgment.

No weird reactions.

No emotional shutdown.

No criticism.

No having to manage someone else’s discomfort while I’m trying to process my own shit.

And yes, that safety is real.

But if “safer” becomes the ONLY place I can be vulnerable?

That’s not healing.

That’s protection.

Because humans heal in relationship, not just reflection.

That one punched me in the chest.

Because I can clearly see that my nervous system has been doing exactly what it was trained to do:

Protect me from familiar pain.

And honestly?

Fair.

That system learned for a reason.

But protection can quietly become prison.

And before anyone reads this as me blaming people?

Nope.

That’s not what this is.

Because I actually don’t believe most people intentionally hurt others.

I think most people are reacting from THEIR wounds. THEIR shame. THEIR conditioning. THEIR trauma. THEIR nervous system programming. THEIR need to protect identity, image, or emotional comfort.

I can have compassion for that.

AND…

Compassion for someone else should never require abandoning myself.

That’s the lesson.

Understanding WHY something hurt doesn’t magically make it hurt less.

And my feelings still matter.

That’s been a hard fucking truth for someone who prides herself on being self-aware.

And maybe this is what healing actually looks like.

Not polished Instagram healing.

Not “good vibes only” healing.

Not “I’m so evolved I never get triggered” healing.

No.

THIS healing.

The messy kind.

The kind where you delete the video. Cry. Feel shame. Want to blame other people. Reach for connection. Feel unseen. Catch yourself disappearing. Trace the wound. Name the nervous system response. And choose awareness instead of unconscious repetition.

Healing in real fucking time.

What I’m doing now?

Learning nervous system regulation.

Recognizing shame spirals faster.

Understanding trauma responses instead of becoming them.

Learning boundaries.

Learning that accountability does NOT equal self-destruction.

Learning that emotional intensity is not a character flaw.

Learning that being deeply feeling doesn’t mean I’m broken.

Learning that “too much” is often just someone else’s discomfort.

Learning to stop making myself small to make others comfortable.

Learning to say, “That hurt.”

Learning to stay present with my own emotional truth instead of disappearing.

And maybe the biggest one?

Learning that I deserve safe humans too.

Not just insight.

Not just self-awareness.

Not just emotional intelligence.

Actual safe connection.

That’s where I’m at.

Messy.

Honest.

Healing.

Wide fucking open.

This is why it feels so natural to hold places for people who just want to feel seen... and I love what I do....

I am remembering that I deserve to feel seen too.